The Asian Facial and the Manly Wedge

Most of us think of “Asian Massage” as a code word for prostituion.  It is hard to debate when there are neon flashing lights that reads “All Girl Staff” and “Open 24 Hours”.  However, I found my self in a pickle one Sunday afternoon when my face decided to rebel against peace and lashed out in a fiery rash.  My skin is very sensitive and sometimes my face get’s red, hot, and feels like the skin around my nose is being forced open with a lava pool pushing out of the epithelia tissue.

On this particular Sunday, I pulled off the highway and sat in my car using the GPS system to search for spas. I called spa after spa…. Wouldn’t you know it; but, no one was open.  It was only 5 PM on Sunday.  Imagine that!  I even called the Standard Spa to discover their spa was open, but after an hour of trying to set up an appointment, I gave up.  I spent hours on the side of road trying to find a place.

I started to drive home when I noticed a red glowing neon sign that flashed “Open” with a popular massage sign.  I did not think much about walking into the building because the door was on a major road.  There was a large phone number with professional billboarding on the out-side of the building.

I walked to the desk and asked if they had a skin specialist on hand.  The young lady  was cleaver enough suggested that I get a massage first and then the facial.

I took the suggestion and followed her into an area that had a thin cloth curtain that divided the room into two sections.  I was told to get completely undressed and place a super, itizy, tinny, winny, towel over my bottom and lay face down and the man would be in soon.


Before I could protest, the girl was out of the room.

Like normal, I did not listen and I kept a descent amount of clothing on. Thank God for body shorts!

I am not sure if I was more fretful about the male massage therapist (after the Vapor Caves experience) or the fact that there was a second door and another table on the other side of the thin curtain.

The male therapist stepped into the room as I laid face down and he started to work without asking about my medical history.  He did not ask about pressure.  He did not inquire about the reason behind my visit.  Since I was face down, I could not see his face.  The only image I caught of him was his black skinny jeans and black “All-Star” sneakers.

When he started, he flopped  off my towel and  squirted baby oil all over my back in a super strange odd – kinda creepy way.  The baby oil bottle made a disturbing sound as  the oil splattered all over my back. Visions of Ron Jeremy enjoying the vision of my back side came to mind.

Thats when my mind went into full panic gear.  I started to imagine the FED’s breaking down the door with their gun’s blazing.  Dragging me out of the spa by my hair and arresting me for being a sleeze. I just bit my lip and decided that I should keep my mouth shut and avoid making eye contact with the guy….. Just in case there is some Japanese mob and I am the last surviving eye whiteness to their male servant ring.

The therapist kept doing a circular massage pattern that shook my entire body.  He also acted like I was not wearing underwear. He just smeared oil all over my bottom when he moved from my back to my legs.  He also jerked my underwear down below my gluts. Then the guy ripped my underwear clear up my rear!  Before he finished, he just pinch the underwear wedge it right out of my ass!  Can we say OMG!!!  I should have listen to the girl that advised me to remove all of my clothing. But then what would he be doing with my naked rump?

When I was flipped over to the front, he continued to follow the same rotation/shaking massage.  I could feel my towel shifting around.  I though I should ask him for a payment to see such a grand view of my body.  But then he took the towel right off.


Yep, I deserve payment.

It is safe to assume I have a wild imagination because there was no action or sign that they did anything illegal.  It might have been wrong because he used baby-oil which is bad for the skin. He did not respect my  boundary for undergarment, or my chest.  He should have asked if I wanted glut work or to be fully exposed.

After the awkward massage I moved into the facial room. The girl that did my facial did not know English.  We did the best we could to communicate, but she did not take the time to address the irritation in my skin.  I don’t  know if she had a license.  I know that a person with skin irritation and a red rash should not be placed under steam.  She did use steam and other lotions that caused more burning.

I hate to say this, but I think I also got flee bits while I was there.  Two days latter I had to go to another spa to get help with my skin because my face got worse after my asian facial.

I don’t want to disclose the name of this location.  I don’t think one bad experience is enough to cast a shadow on an entire company.  In almost every spa I go into, I can pick out errors.  I don’t know much about the style of asian massage and I believe I will revisit the massage side after some research on the style.  I also don’t have anything to compare the massage against since it was my first experience. I understand that we all have a different culture and sometimes when we encounter a new culture, we may experience the unexpected.

As far as the bug bits, I was out side late the night before and it is possible that I was unaware of the bits and the oil irritated the skin.

However, for the sake of my sink, I don’t think I can go back for a facial.  If I can not communicate with a person then I don’t want to risk injury. As far as the massage, if my boobs are going to bounce around with a guy acting like a creep, I will head to the Port Hole and get paid for my dancing skills – Dancing Skills that I do not actually have, but money is money.

This entry was published on January 4, 2016 at 11:00 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

3 thoughts on “The Asian Facial and the Manly Wedge

  1. This post made me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes. You are a fantastic writer. Looking forward to your future blog posts!!!!

  2. Hahaha amazing.

    Really, how do you get yourself into situations like this? You seem to be a magnet for this kind of stuff.

    I’m glad you posted it though! I agree wholeheartedly with Suzi here!

    P.S. I don’t see myself ever visiting a spa with you. hahaha.
    Also, I think your chances of of getting sold into a Japanese mob servant ring is about the same as you getting stuck by lightning or winning the lottery. I’m not saying the Yakuza is a myth or anything…but ya.. lol

  3. This is a funny story….Thank you for sharing it with all of us…

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